i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my shit smells like andre
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No subtext here. People are naked.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
