So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
