Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
