you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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