my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
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Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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