and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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