i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
