Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
