when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
