I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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