omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
