You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
