Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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