If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
