Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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