This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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