If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
