i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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