Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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