A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
