who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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