i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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