I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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