So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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