Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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