remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
