Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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