Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
