I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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