Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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