I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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