i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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