it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Vodka?
Forever.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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