my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
