The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You need a sexual gate keeper
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
