return my video game
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
