people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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