we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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