I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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