his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
