Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
