Have you finally orgasmed yet?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
