when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
