Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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