It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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