The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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