i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
