I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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