She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
