I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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