Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
