If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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