this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
