she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
