ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
