Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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