I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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