Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
