That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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