every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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