when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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